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  • lem 11:43 pm on October 20, 2016 Permalink | Reply  

    an update on my life:
    (some of these things i haven’t discussed with a single soul so jenny please don’t, my life is terrible right now already)
    my technical best friend of two years, who has been the very definition of codependency for nearly all that time, and can’t stand anything but compliments, decided that she hates me and nearly all of my other friends after i got angry at her for cancelling plans with us and not telling me (effectively standing me up), and has cut me out of her life completely. this is a person whose every problem i’ve heard and tried to help with, down to the very very minuscule and personal, for two years, who’s broken down crying at the concept of ever living in a different town than me, who i’ve gotten through much worse fights with.

    this is honestly destroying me so much, and from such a small and irrelevant catalyst. and the truth is that i’m not capable of dealing with it right now.

    i’m managing my homework a little bit better- got 91% on my physics midterm, when the curve for an A in the class has historically been at around 80%. i have a B in ap chem and we had a two week extra credit problem that would’ve brought my grade to an A that’s due tomorrow morning (well, today morning- it’s 1:30am) and i’m not sleeping anyway because of extreme depression unlike anything i’ve felt in years but i can’t bring myself to do it.

    i’ve been majorly disassociating during every day moments and Continuing To Do Stuff, usually in accordance with my impulses rather than the conscious decisions i rely on when i am in control. the other day i suddenly found myself kissing someone (detail erased so jenny doesn’t share this; don’t you dare share this with anyone and ask to speculate who okay) who i’ve had back and forth feelings for but who i knew it wasn’t a good idea to act on the feelings for for reasons (again detail erased; don’t you dare jenny) and they got really into it and it was good but?????? super scary that i decided Not to Do That and then suddenly lost control and did it without being aware?

    and then, i got braces. what a wonderful teen sitcom. my mouth hurts like hell now, i can’t close my teeth (so i can’t chew, at all, and won’t be able to for the Entire Time i have braces) so now i’m hungry all the time and in physical pain in addition to all the rest of this beautiful feelings cocktail🙂

    • Agent SD 9:05 am on October 21, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Lemon. *hugs*
      I love you so much. I don’t think I have anything remotely helpful to say, and I have a feeling that anything helpful-ish sounding would probably be super annoying right now, anyway. So I’m going to try not to do that. I’m really sorry for everything you’re going through.

      People SUCK. I think I know who you’re talking about, and… Yeah, wow. I’m really sorry. If this is really the end of that friendship, I just want you to know that there are good and kind and loving people out there, who will treat you with respect and communicate effectively with you. And you’ll probably fight with them, and maybe you won’t talk for a few months or a few years, because, well, that’s what happens. Especially as we’re learning to be adults. But it’ll be okay eventually, because those people will be real friends. They’re out there, I promise.

      And the knowledge that they’re out doesn’t help, because that’s happening later and this is happening now. I promise you that the pain will end. When it’s happening, it might feel like it’s happening forever. But I promise it won’t. And it’s okay to be hurt while it’s happening, and you don’t have to feel better right away or even anytime soon.

      I’m *so proud* of you for doing so well in school. You’re going to make it out of this mess and kick some serious butt, and you’re going to be so glad you’re dragging yourself through this hell to get there.

      I’m really really sorry about the disassociation–it can be so so scary to do things that you’re not in control of. You’ll find your control. I also know who you’re talking about, and it seems like maybe you guys wouldn’t be the worst match? Maybe it’s okay to give it a try? But I obviously don’t know the specifics of what’s going on right now. Do what’s best for you, whatever that may be.

      If I were there, I’d stay by your side while you did homework and whatever, even though I definitely couldn’t help with the physics because English major. And if productivity just wasn’t happening, I’d hold you and we could watch Mean Girls or go on a walk and eat froyo or something (does that help with braces pain? I have no idea). And I wish so badly that I could be there and tell you how much I love you and show you the kindness that you deserve. And since I can’t, I’m hoping desperately that you try to treat yourself with more kindness. You deserve a break.

      It’s going to be okay. Someday this will be just be some horrible repressed nightmare that you remember every once in a while, realizing that what you had to go through–the thing you’re going through now–is exceptionally difficult. And even if it feels like you’re failing at handling it, I promise you: you are doing so incredibly well.

      I love you and I’m proud of you. If there’s anything at all I can do, please let me know.

      • lem 8:39 pm on October 21, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        Thank you so much, Sarah. So many people have tried to say helpful things to me over the past few days and I’ve appreciated it but it definitely hasn’t made me feel better, just emptier, but this actually did make me smile for a brief moment. I still feel incredibly awful, but thank you so much. I love you too.

  • Agent Snowbell 10:55 pm on October 18, 2016 Permalink | Reply  

    Hi guys!

    no im not procrastinating on calculus at 10:45 at night shh

    So I have an ask blog now, and you all should ask stuff so my characters have things to respond to! :3 Drawing is like the only pastime I have time for these days since I can do it whenever I’m sitting and not actively doing homework and taking notes (i.e. during class, club meetings, on the bus, etc.). And I really enjoy answering all sorts of questions, so I hope you guys come up with some cool ideas! ^^

    Link: >>>

    As for other stuff, semi-dead today. Apparently I have allergies here really badly when I barely had them in Cali. -.- And I finally got home around 10 from my last club (worth it though; it’s D&D ^-^) and still have a homework assignment to do. And I’m supposed to take a shower tonight. ._. See this is why I have failed at my goal of becoming a morning person in college. That and the fact that my significant other is too adorable and interesting and *far* too awake until 4 in the morning every night and it’s like the only time I have to Skype him. >-> At least I never have to wake up as early as I did in high school. In retrospect, I can’t believe I survived being an upperclassman (upperclasswoman? Whatevs).

    Heyyy, random thought: any Undertale fans here by any chance?

    • paperclip123 2:40 am on October 22, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Undertale! Undertale is great.

  • Agent SD 7:22 pm on October 15, 2016 Permalink | Reply  

    There are clowns in my neighborhood. Some of my neighbors are saying they won’t hand out candy because of it. This whole clown thing has gotten way out of control.

    • lem 10:35 pm on October 15, 2016 Permalink | Reply


    • Agent Snowbell 10:06 pm on October 18, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Seriously? We’ve got none of that up here in the Northwest. I’ve only heard about it through tumblr.😄

    • paperclip123 2:40 am on October 22, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      oh my god that’s scary

  • paperclip123 10:26 am on October 14, 2016 Permalink | Reply  

    also, Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize for Literature, which was something that struck me as odd because I wasn’t sure if songs counted as literature, but I guess they kind of do…? What do you think??

    • Agent SD 7:23 pm on October 15, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Huh, that’s interesting! I didn’t know songs counted either.

    • Agent Snowbell 10:05 pm on October 18, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Nether did I. It struck me as odd when I first heard it, but I’m not opposed to it at all, either on principle or in this specific case. I like Bob Dylan. :-,

  • paperclip123 11:40 am on October 10, 2016 Permalink | Reply  

    the good news is i’m not failing design techonology! i thought i was but today i got some Good Feedback. i’ve been promoted from “getting there” level to “fantastic” level so i’m proud
    the rest of it is that we’re expected to start revision now for the twenty odd exams we have in may/june and i guess we should but like that’s a terrifying terrifying thing
    also it’s hot and the ac in my bedroom isn’t working so i’m dying ever so slightly
    how are you all doing?

    • lem 3:23 pm on October 12, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      lmao who studies for exams more than a month before?

      i have exams right now. am studying for physics which is in two days. not studying for standardized exam in 3 days. then i’m doing SAT subject tests (a-level equivalent type things you need for some fancy colleges, i’m doing chem advanced math and literature) in two months, then the ACT (standardized test needed for colleges), then the SAT (a different test that is essentially the same thing as the ACT), then the ACT again when my school gives it, then ap test season starts and i have like 5 ap tests…….. lmao. and i need all of it for college

    • Agent SD 7:26 pm on October 15, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Woo! Proud of you😀

      Doing well! Busy, but finally found a decent balance in my life. I think. I want to get a cat, and now I’m working from home (transcribing for the podcast I intern at woooooooo) so it seems like it might be a good time! I found a nine-year-old cat online I’m kind of obsessed with. Her name is Sadie, and she needs to be re-homed because her owner, who was an elderly lady, passed away. My only concern is the possibility of expensive unpredictable medical issues over the next few years because she’s an older kitty, but I’m looking into health insurance and stuff.

      • Agent Snowbell 10:10 pm on October 18, 2016 Permalink | Reply


        Get cat so those of us who can’t get cat can get cat vicariously through you

        (Heck I couldn’t even bring Daphne to campus.:/ I’m sure Mum is taking good care of her though.)

    • Agent SD 7:29 pm on October 15, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Speaking of tests: midterm in anthropology on Monday, quiz about this (WONDERFUL) book we read in history Tuesday. It’s a monograph called A Midwife’s Tale by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. Fantastic, really interesting book. Finishing up The Twelfth Night in survey of English literature. Our teacher is also making us watch She’s the Man for it. And then next month I have to take this like, college writing test called the GPE to prove that I can write at a college level, and I’m annoyed because I thought I was past all the stupid standardized school testing thingamabobs

  • lem 10:28 pm on October 4, 2016 Permalink | Reply  

    me: starts ap chem homework at 10:30
    me at 12:40: this is ur fault bud… previous me….. disgusting lump…

    • Agent Snowbell 10:07 pm on October 18, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Me also except geology trying to get myself to do it is like wading through mud

  • lem 9:35 am on October 1, 2016 Permalink | Reply  

    im so sick of homework im so sick of it i am so tired homecoming is tonight and i need to finish this before i am so done

    • lem 9:52 am on October 1, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      dont do university level physics kids

    • deartomysoul 3:06 pm on October 1, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      best of luck to you

    • Agent SD 7:31 pm on October 15, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      In college the homework is reading😀

      and sometimes short responses–I have journals every other week-ish in honors comm

      Lots of tests, though

  • lem 2:33 pm on September 12, 2016 Permalink | Reply  

    my physics class expects me to spend 15 hours a week out of class on homework!🙂
    destroy me

  • deartomysoul 2:54 pm on September 11, 2016 Permalink | Reply  

    Should we do a headcount of who’s active/alive/lurking these pages?

    • Agent SD 3:03 pm on September 11, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Lurking! College; blergh.

      • Agent SD 3:04 pm on September 11, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        That’s not my Gravatar! This is my Gravatar.

    • lem 2:02 pm on September 12, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Lurking! Simultaneous college and high school; blergh.

    • Lily 10:39 am on September 13, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      I’m gonna go for alive&lurking! sixth form; UGH

    • angst 6:17 pm on September 14, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      alive but lurking

    • paperclip123 11:55 pm on September 14, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      possibly active? this has been my homepage since 2011 i can’t avoid this site
      and my procrastination has been reaching an all time high (low?) these days

    • Agent Snowbell 8:31 am on October 4, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      Eheheh… “Dropping by occasionally” would probably be the most accurate description. I don’t have a ton of superfluous time these days, and I barely use my computer for anything other than work at the moment. But I’m still around! In a very different geographic location, but around.🙂

  • paperclip123 11:25 pm on September 8, 2016 Permalink | Reply  

    hello, my most favourite band of all time ever released their new album today, and it killed me dead. completely and utterly dead. wild world by bastille written by dan smith produced by dan smith and mark crew is an extremely excellent album, and i am dead

    • lem 2:56 pm on September 9, 2016 Permalink | Reply

      i was gonna come post about this but obviously you beat me too it.

      i love bastille so much. i’m so lucky they’ve had the impact on my life they have. as of right now, i still think that other people’s heartache and bad blood contain the best songs ever written and that even they themselves can’t top that, but my opinion may change as i get more used to the songs on wild world and begin to associate memories and emotions with the songs the way i do with earlier bastille stuff.

      that said, i am really bummed about their gradual change in style over the years, because i feel like it is less unique than it used to be. dan smith’s voice is still the best in the universe though.

      • deartomysoul 4:11 pm on September 9, 2016 Permalink | Reply


      • paperclip123 1:27 am on September 10, 2016 Permalink | Reply

        i have you to thank for introducing me to them via this site you’re the real mvp
        i actually think i prefer their newer style, i guess cause my music taste has changed since 2013 & luckily enough they kinda moved along w me
        dan’s voice is the most gorgeous thing in the world
        though you do follow me on twitter so you do see me screaming about it all a lot

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