an update on my life:
(some of these things i haven’t discussed with a single soul so jenny please don’t, my life is terrible right now already)
my technical best friend of two years, who has been the very definition of codependency for nearly all that time, and can’t stand anything but compliments, decided that she hates me and nearly all of my other friends after i got angry at her for cancelling plans with us and not telling me (effectively standing me up), and has cut me out of her life completely. this is a person whose every problem i’ve heard and tried to help with, down to the very very minuscule and personal, for two years, who’s broken down crying at the concept of ever living in a different town than me, who i’ve gotten through much worse fights with.
this is honestly destroying me so much, and from such a small and irrelevant catalyst. and the truth is that i’m not capable of dealing with it right now.
i’m managing my homework a little bit better- got 91% on my physics midterm, when the curve for an A in the class has historically been at around 80%. i have a B in ap chem and we had a two week extra credit problem that would’ve brought my grade to an A that’s due tomorrow morning (well, today morning- it’s 1:30am) and i’m not sleeping anyway because of extreme depression unlike anything i’ve felt in years but i can’t bring myself to do it.
i’ve been majorly disassociating during every day moments and Continuing To Do Stuff, usually in accordance with my impulses rather than the conscious decisions i rely on when i am in control. the other day i suddenly found myself kissing someone (detail erased so jenny doesn’t share this; don’t you dare share this with anyone and ask to speculate who okay) who i’ve had back and forth feelings for but who i knew it wasn’t a good idea to act on the feelings for for reasons (again detail erased; don’t you dare jenny) and they got really into it and it was good but?????? super scary that i decided Not to Do That and then suddenly lost control and did it without being aware?
and then, i got braces. what a wonderful teen sitcom. my mouth hurts like hell now, i can’t close my teeth (so i can’t chew, at all, and won’t be able to for the Entire Time i have braces) so now i’m hungry all the time and in physical pain in addition to all the rest of this beautiful feelings cocktail🙂